“Do I have sit formally every day or can I just be mindful in everyday life?” asked Shariputra.

Avalokiteśvara answered somewhat flippantly, “If you can remain mindful throughout your life, then you dont need to sit.  But I haven’t been able to do that.”

Next Ken invited someone up to play the part of the Buddha to sit there serenely between them, slightly off to the side.

“Now go through it again, ask the same question and give your answer.” said Ken.

The Shariputra character asked the same question again, but it was phrased more deeply this time.

Avalokiteśvara bowed to Shariputra and started to answer:

“Thank you for your question. If you can remain mindful throughout your life…” and stopped.

Ken turned to him and asked: “You don’t want to give the same answer anymore, do you?”

“No.” answered Avalokiteśvara.

“Give the answer that you want to give.”

“If you can remain mindful throughout your life, you may not need to sit, but if you do not sit, you may not be able to remain mindful throughout your life.”

There was a audible murmur in the room and a palpable relaxing.

“Shariputra, how did you experience that?”

“With the first answer, I felt like even though it was what I wanted to hear, I didn’t feel good about it.  The second answer I felt a relaxing that it was the truth, even though it’s not what I wanted to hear.”

It was clear that the presence of the “Buddha”, even though simply represented by a practitioner sitting there serenely, changed the interaction to be more honest and real.  Everyone went to sit down again, and Ken drove home the point:

“And by the way, Buddha is always present.”

——————————————————————-

Want to listen to the Heart Sutra(the short version) chanted in English?  Click here.

Commentaries on the Heart Sutra:

• The Heart Sutra, by Red Pine
• An Arrow to the Heart, by Ken McLeod

Putting yourself into the present moment has similar effects to drinking: you aren’t thinking about the past or the future, or how you are being perceived, or what you are going to say next, rather you are just there with everyone interacting naturally. I call it being drunk with mindfulness. There is no effort involved in the interaction with other people. However, after the mindfulness energy fades (after a few hours or a few days), then any social awkwardness that was there before returns just as strong as it was before. Nothing fundamentally changes. When I started noticing this, my first solution was to meditate more to put myself into that mindfulness state more often. After trying that for a long while I finally realized that mindfulness was not going to fix my issue with understanding social dynamics. But why didn’t it?

Mindfulness is a term used to describe both a skill and a state. The mindfulness skill is used to generate a state(or energy) of mindfulness. The mindfulness state is present when we practice, and slowly fades when we are not actively generating it. Mindfulness on it’s own does not cause any transformation; only insight can do that. Insights can be big or small, but they all do the same thing – they change our point of view. We stop seeing things in a confused way, and we start seeing them in a more realistic way. And there is no way we can go back to seeing them the old way. Mindfulness gives us the energy to change our point of view. Mindfulness is required, but not enough for transformation to occur. In other words, mindfulness is temporary, insight is forever.

The case of social interaction is a strange one though: mindfulness itself seems to take away the problem. Just like drinking for some people – the problem is solved for the night at least!

So what psychological factors cause problems with social interaction? Usually it is things such as fears of rejection, humiliation, loneliness, loss of control, or feelings of inferiority or superiority. These mental formations cause all sorts of reactive patterns which tend to kill conversations and make things awkward. I was hoping that meditation would allow me to get to a point where these things would not come up and I would just be able to have normal interactions. But no matter how much I meditated, things didn’t get any better. I realized at some point that the way to get better at social interaction was to do it.

When I first tried having conversations with strangers, it didn’t take long before I got shut down. I quickly learned that people can end conversations in a range of ways that go from graceful to extremely belligerent. If the conversation ended when I didn’t want it to end, there was often a feeling of rejection. When that happened, it felt like the walls were closing in and I really wanted to leave the situation. But I forced myself to stay, to be with my breathing and remember that I wasn’t in a threatening situation. And then – a miracle happened: five minutes later I was back to normal. The walls were back in the right position, and I was no longer feeling threatened. That’s when my first insight hit me: rejection is just a feeling! If it’s just a feeling, then I knew how to practice with it: “I am not this feeling, this feeling is not me.” And then I saw the same thing with humiliation – it’s just a feeling too. Suddenly I had a way to practice.

This was a different practice than I was used to. In a social setting there was no ability to take some time and sit on the cushion and be with these feelings – I had to look at them right then and there, with people swirling around me, the feedback instant and dynamic with no way to control what was happening. I had to be with everything right there in the middle of chaos, without the benefit of time or space. But when I forced myself to look directly at the feelings, their power faded.

When we avoid something, it means we are afraid of feeling something. That fear of experiencing a painful feeling controls us. We put a lot of energy into avoiding that painful feeling. But until we have the capacity and courage to be with the feelings, it is not possible to transform them. When we look at them, acknowledge them, and make friends with the feelings we don’t like, our fear of experiencing them decreases. They lose their power to control us because when the painful feeling comes up we no longer try to avoid it. (As a side note, this is one of the things that generates integrity – when we are willing to do the right thing regardless of painful feelings we will experience as a consequence). Without being able to feel the emotion of humiliation and know it to be just a feeling, then I would always be afraid to experience it. I would try to avoid it, and by doing so I would cause it to happen. I identified with the feeling, and took the experience to be a permanent part of my identity. It was so ingrained that I didn’t even think about it as a feeling. When I started to get to know those feelings, when I stopped avoiding them and started to be with them, then their power started to fade and I started to change.

Coming back to the original question – if generating mindfulness can put us into a state where social interaction is natural and effortless, why can’t it transform us to always be that way? It’s because when mindfulness is powerful enough, we don’t experience rejection and humiliation. And that’s the problem. Without being able to experience rejection we cannot come to understand that rejection is just a feeling. Without being able to experience a feeling of humiliation, we cannot transform it. Authentically generating those feelings while sitting on the meditation cushion is rather hard (though it can be done). It’s much easier to go out and let your interaction with others bring up the stuff and practice with it in that moment. In my experience this was extremely difficult – it’s easy to shutdown and leave. If that happens, go try again another day. It’s just practice.

So about four and a half years after I started practicing and at the point I had been the main facilitator for the Sangha for about a year, I started to receive signals of interest from women in the sangha. Some of them asked me out directly, others flirted with me, and others just sent some subtle signals my way. Previous to this I had found it pretty hard to get a date with anyone and so it seemed to me like I had suddenly struck it rich. Since I didn’t know any better at the time, took advantage of this unprecedented gold rush and either dated or spent time with many of them. Various teachers – including Thich Nhat Hanh – suggest being in a relationship with someone who also practices.  At the time I was really trying to follow that advice and was really hoping to find a partner that also practices (I have since changed my mind on this).

Suffice to say, none of those relationships worked out and surprise surprise – most of those women stopped going to the sangha after we dated. But this post isn’t about that. It’s about why those women became interested in me in the first place. I went from zero to hero, but why? From my point of view nothing had changed. I still felt like the same person. While I would love to take all the credit, I’ve discovered that it has as much to do with the situation as it does with me.

What attracts a woman to a man? Women tend to look for:

1. Social status
   1. Being a leader of men
   2. Social alignments – having good friends & connections
   3. Attention – if women are giving a man attention, a woman seeing that is more likely to feel attracted to him
2. Healthy Emotional Programming
   1. Non-reactive
   2. Integrity
   3. Honesty
   4. Non-neediness
   5. Self-confidence
   6. Dependability
   7. Emotional Strength
   8. Vulnerability / In touch with feelings
   9. Good manners and discretion
   10. Humor
   11. Empathetic
3. Wealth and resources
4. Height
5. Strength
6. Physical Health
7. Physical beauty
8. Intelligence

Let’s take this list and apply it to a meditation teacher.

A meditation teacher is the leader of the entire group(#1.1), it seems that just about everyone likes him(#1.2), and all of the attention is on him(#1.1 and #1.3).  He has alliances in the group(#1.2). The meditation teacher also has situational confidence(#2.5). He has been trained to deal with anything that comes up in that context, and is therefore is unaffected by just about anything that happens(#2.1). There is nothing that anyone can say or do that would throw him off.  He is completely at ease, has a positive vibe, and a genuine smile(#2.5). Another way to say “unaffected” is non-reactive. A non-reactive man is attractive to a woman – it conveys stability, honesty(at least in the sense of what-you-see-is-what-you-get; #2.3), dependability, integrity(#2.2), and emotional strength(#2.7). The meditation teacher doesn’t need anything from anyone in the room, rather he is the one providing a solid presence to support others(#2.4). This quality of non-neediness is another non-reactive quality which is attractive to women. He tells personal stories with humor(#2.10), he is in touch with his feelings and lets himself be vulnerable(#2.8), and he is empathetic to others(#2.11). He demonstrates understanding, authenticity, acceptance, and has a stable and consistent behavior.

If he happens to be tall, athletic, healthy, good-looking, and intelligent, then all the better (I cover the first three of those, the last two are in the eye of the beholder).

But wait, there’s more! Once one woman in the group starts to become attracted to the teacher, others will become more attracted still(#1.3)! Women like men who are surrounded by women. This is an evolutionary adaptation that is seen in other species as well (see above books for an explanation).

When you look at all of this together, you start to realize that a man in a teaching role is generally attractive to women, and in the special case of a male meditation teacher, he is able to demonstrate a number of other qualities that women find attractive. Also when you look at the big picture, it becomes unsurprising that sex scandals happen in sanghas.

We can also answer the question of why it rarely happens the other way around – where a man is attracted to a female meditation teacher. Men have very different attraction switches compared to a women. Two of the main attraction switches are youth(as defined as less than 35 yrs old) and beauty. There are almost no female meditation teachers under the age of 35. Part of that is because it’s very difficult to get to that level of practice within that time frame unless you are a nun.  But where we do see female meditation teachers under the age of 35 – for example, with young nuns in Plum Village – we also hear about men hitting on them and trying to get them to marry them.

Let’s come back to the original advice I received from Buddhist teachers, where they recommended to try to find a partner that also practices. I could go on a rant about this, but I will try to be brief for now. The only way this can work is if the other person has roughly the same amount of experience as you. Dating someone with less practice experience is bad news. Most people who come to the sangha are suffering a lot and most of them will not get very far along the path. You are playing with fire to date someone with less experience and it will blow up on you. There is an imbalance of power in the relationship in this case and there is nothing you can do to fix it. You can’t be someone’s teacher and in a relationship at the same time. It’s much better to go out and try to find a romantic partner outside the sangha. Once you get to a certain point in practice, it doesn’t matter if your partner practices or not, there is nothing that will throw you off the path and you aren’t going to end up with someone who opposes it anyway(you wouldn’t put up with it). Dating someone who practices and is at the same level as you is amazing if you can manage it, but this is rare occurrence in my experience so far.

From most of the feedback I have read, many people have some issues with the the new versions of the 5MT.  The most common complaints are they are much longer, they have more Buddhist jargon which makes them less accessible, and the Third Mindfulness Training has wording that is unrealistic and potentially dangerous.  I would also add that the sentence structure in the official new version does not flow very well in English.  When I read the lay proposal, I was pleasantly surprised by how easy they were to read and how accessible they were.  I don’t think these have gotten much exposure so I am reproducing them here.

Lay Proposal of 5MT — June 14, 2009

[Brothers and Sisters, it is now time to [transmit/recite] the Five Mindfulness Trainings.]

The Five Mindfulness Trainings are guidelines for an open-hearted response to life’s challenges and for caring for our world. They are also doors that open to peace, joy, and freedom. Based on the insight of interbeing — the dynamic and supportive interdependence of all things — the trainings express the realization that our suffering is not separate from the suffering of others, and that our happiness is not separate from the happiness of others. Aware that all actions originate in the mind, the trainings invite us to embody understanding and compassion in our thinking, speaking and acting. They are to be practiced with compassion, skill and flexibility, conscious that our understanding is still developing, and that circumstances may call for new insights and ways of acting. Each time we practice a training, we offer a priceless gift to the world and to ourselves.

Respect for Life
Aware of the suffering caused by lack of respect for life, I am committed to cultivating compassion and learning ways to protect the lives of people, animals, plants and the Earth. Knowing that harmful actions arise from incomplete understanding, I am committed to developing my insight into the nature of reality. I will practice recognizing and transforming mental states that cloud awareness, such as fear, anger, intolerance and dogmatism. I am committed to practicing non-attachment to views and will listen with an open mind to those who hold perspectives different from my own. I will also try to understand and enter into dialogue with those who seek to impose their views through means such as war, fanaticism, or terror. Aware that I harm myself when I harm living beings and the Earth, I am determined to reduce suffering and nourish in my community respect for the diversity and preciousness of all life.

Generosity and Justice
Aware of the suffering caused by self-centeredness and greed, I am committed to practicing generosity in my thoughts, words, and actions. Knowing that true happiness comes from caring for myself and others, and not from the pursuit of wealth, fame, or power, I will live a simple sustainable life and practice joy on the path of service. I am determined to take only what is freely given and I will choose the products I buy and use with awareness of their impact on other beings and our precious Earth. I am committed to finding ways to stand with and share my resources with those who are in need. I will work with others to create just and generous societies.

Cultivating Loving Relationships
Aware of the suffering caused by the unmindful use of sexual energy, I am committed to cultivating responsibility, and learning ways to promote loving and respectful relationships. I will generate joy, kindness, compassion, and inclusiveness, in myself and others—these are the foundation of true love and intimacy. Knowing that sexual activity motivated by craving harms myself and others, I will be mindful of the source of my desires. I am aware that sexual energy is sacred and at the base of all life. I will learn appropriate ways to express my sexual energy or to transform it into the energies of service and spiritual growth. If I choose to engage in a sexual relationship, I will do so only when there is love, mutual respect, and a commitment to deepen the relationship. To preserve the happiness of myself and others, I will be mindful of the consequences of my actions, and I will respect my commitments and the commitments of others. I will work to create a world in which every child, woman, and man is loved and protected, where there is tolerance and compassion, and in which there is reverence and support for both non-sexual and sexual relationships of love and respect.

Compassionate Listening and Loving Speech
Aware of the suffering caused by unmindful speech and the inability to listen, I am committed to cultivating compassionate listening and truthful loving speech, in order to bring happiness to myself and others. I am determined to listen with my heart, recognizing the suffering of myself and others, and to speak truthfully and kindly. I will look into the sources of my views, so that my thoughts and words are not distorted by wrong perception or strong emotions. I will choose words that inspire compassion, confidence, and joy. I will endeavour to resolve all conflicts, however small. I am committed to working for peace and reconciliation in my family, community, nation, and the global society.

Nourishing Peace and Joy
Aware of the suffering caused by unmindful consumption, I am committed to looking deeply into the consequences of what I eat, drink, use, purchase, and allow into my consciousness. Knowing that everything I consume has the potential of nourishing happiness or suffering, I am committed to consuming only items that nourish well-being in my body and consciousness, and in the collective body and consciousness. I am determined not to use alcohol or any other intoxicant. Rather than seeking to escape unpleasant feelings by losing myself in entertainments or other distractions, I will practice recognizing, embracing, and transforming the perceptions and memories that give rise to my unhappiness and cravings. I will breathe and walk mindfully so that I am able to touch the many wonders of life that are always available.

Here is one more note that I wrote down during the Stephen Batchelor workshop; it might be helpful in clearing away some Buddhist propaganda (paraphrased from the talk):

Often when we go into a Buddhist tradition you will hear that some particular technique that they teach “is the highest teaching of the Buddha”.  It’s usually some form of meditation.

This is kind of like saying “This is a hammer.  It is the ultimate tool you can apply to any situation.  Learn to use this and you can’t go wrong.” This works until you need to do something like cut a piece of wood in half.  We have a saying for this: “when all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.”

A metaphor the Buddha uses is that his teaching is medicine.  We don’t say that there is one medicine that takes care of all ailments.  There are different medicines for different problems.

]]> http://noonecangiveyouwisdom.wordpress.com/2010/08/02/the-highest-teaching-of-the-buddha/feed/ 0 paulbaranowski _MG_4326-Edit http://noonecangiveyouwisdom.wordpress.com/2010/08/01/no-drama/ http://noonecangiveyouwisdom.wordpress.com/2010/08/01/no-drama/#comments Sun, 01 Aug 2010 06:27:59 +0000 paulbaranowski http://noonecangiveyouwisdom.wordpress.com/?p=67 ]]>

Drama – where do you come from?  Why do we love the so?

Maybe it’s because when there is drama, we know we aren’t alone.  Someone is reacting to us.  We have something to push against.  As long as they keep reacting then they haven’t left.  That wise sage Britney Spears said it pretty well in her most famous song:

My loneliness is killing me
and I must confess I still believe
when I’m not with you I lose my mind
give me a sign
hit me baby one more time

I am noticing when I feel drama inside me.  It seems to always come up when I feel cut off from someone. There is a flash of hurt from a loss of connection.  I am paying attention to the feeling in my body when drama arises.

Ken McLeod writes about this emotional reaction.  One of the ways we can look at our experience is through the method of the “Five Elements” . From this perspective, we react with fear to our experience in one of five different ways when we are not living in awareness, and conversely we respond with wisdom and compassion when we are living in awareness. The five fears are: instability, external threat/loss of control, isolation, destruction, and being nothing.  Each of these ways is metaphorically tied to one of the “Five Elements”(earth, water, air, fire, space).   We all have these five reactions, but we tend to “default” to one or two of these reactions most of the time.  The reaction described in Britney’s song is the element fire. McLeod gives an example of this reaction (from “Wake Up To Your Life”):

The reaction chain for fire begins with the feeling of intensity as we try to consume experience.  Suppose that your teenage daughter asks to stay out later than usual.  You are short with her: “Don’t bother me.  No, absolutely not!”  She stands her ground, saying that you are mean and unfair.  Anger flares into you and you seethe inside.  What is underneath the anger?  You can do nothing with her.  You are helpless and alone.  Your frustration and anger make you feel isolated, and the isolation is terrifying.  You intensify your reaction to as not to feel the isolation.  “No, you can’t , and if you ask again, you’re grounded!”  She makes a sarcastic comment, and you’ve had enough. “That’s it.  You’re grounded.  Go to your room.”  Whether she storms out of the house or goes to her room, you end up alone.  Now your isolation is too much for you.  You storm around your home, throwing objects, burning yourself up.

The horrible thing about our fears is that we cause them to come true.  The above example illustrates that pretty well.  But he gives an even more stark example:

Tom, an intelligent and witty person, likes to stir up trouble.  He is a bit of a social outcast.  Whenever he joins the conversation in a group, he makes comments that are insightful and accurate yet controversial and disturbing.  The conversation quickly becomes more intense, with everyone reacting to his comments.  After a short time, however, the people in the group grow uncomfortable with the level of intensity and move to less controversial topics. Tom is ignored, so he makes another insightful and disturbing comment, initiating another cycle of reaction.

The operation of the reaction chain constantly recreates the conditions that trigger the reaction. Each new cycle takes place at a higher level of intensity, spiraling upward in energy. Tom continues to make situations intense as a reaction to the feeling of isolation, and groups react by isolating him.

The crystallization of energy in the fire reaction chain increasingly distorts his perception of others.  He sees them as against him because they always reject him.  His perception is that even though he makes insightful and helpful comments nobody wants to talk with him, so they must dislike him.  He moves into the hell realm, seeing everything and everyone as an enemy.  Of course, the more he fights, the more others fight with him, so his perception of the hell realm is consistently reinforced.

Together, these two feedback loops lead to the crystallization of energy into the fixed structures that constitute our personality and view of the world.  Unfortunately, the patterns always bring us exactly what we are trying to avoid.  In Tom’s case, he is looking for connection and friendship.  Instead, he is isolated and disliked.

Some of you are in shock because he just described the exact same thing that you do all the time but no one has pointed it out to you in such a stark way before.  For others, you can say that you rarely do this. As I said before, in each of us has these fears to varying degrees.  If you don’t have this one, you probably have another one in abundance.

The above description of “Tom” was an extremely accurate representation of my actions for much of my life.  When I first read this passage, I practiced being mindful of when this reaction was present.  For the first two weeks I was in shock because I saw that almost every action that I did was based on this fear, from great big things down to the smallest detail.   Over the past year I have taken as my primary practice the dismantling of this pattern.

One small way I have practiced in daily life is using a mantra of “no drama”.  I try to observe when drama is present in my mind or when I am acting it out.  When I notice it, I acknowledge that I want excitement and connection, but I know that I will get the opposite if I create drama.  So I try to remember the mantra “no drama” and just chill.

The interesting thing is that for every one of our fears there is a corresponding wisdom. This same energy, when transformed from fear into wisdom, leads to a wisdom called “Distinguishing Pristine Awareness”. This is the ability to know exactly what you are experiencing and also have a pretty good idea of what other people are experiencing. In other words, when you connect to your experience(instead of running away from it), you know what you are experiencing. So someone who has a fear of isolation(e.g. someone who keeps to themselves) is also usually very good at reading other people’s emotional states, even though they may not even be aware of it.  As you develop this wisdom and learn to trust this knowing, you learn to separate your own emotions from others and thereby not be overwhelmed by them.  Because you understand what others are feeling, and are not overwhelmed by it, you have a better chance of connecting with them.

“I wish to draw attention to the following problem: the idea of happiness presupposes that at present we are unhappy.”

- Kosho Uchiyama Roshi

Thus begins the commentary in a chapter from “How to Cook Your Life“, a small book containing Dogen’s classic ‘Instructions for the Zen Cook’ with commentary by Kosho Uchiyama Roshi.  This is such a fantastic book I have dog-eared almost the whole thing.  Dogen speaks very candidly about his time as a young monk when he encounters an old Zen cook.  He asks the old man: “Why, when you are so old, do you do the hard work of the monastery cook?  Why do you not spend your time practicing meditation or working on koans of former teachers? Is there something special to be gained from working particularly as a cook?”  The old monk laughs and says “My good friend from abroad!  You do not yet understand what practice is all about.”  The old man tells him to come to his monastery and speak about it with him. Dogen eventually realizes that the practice of Zen is being awake and present in every moment of life no matter what you are doing.

There is a part of one chapter that is so good I had to reproduce it here, it is from the commentary:

“The reason we find hell or unhappiness unbearable and run around longing to escape is because we cling so strongly to the desire for happiness.  Traditionally, in the East, this is seen as a demon making a plaything out of you in the same way a cat does to a mouse it has caught.  Perhaps he puts us in a pot to boil or chases us up a mountain of needles.  We run around all confused and the demon taunts us all the more with our own confusion.

Or to offer a more modern-day example, a man’s business fails and then his wife falls ill.  His child has a traffic accident, which causes a nervous breakdown. All his misfortunes seem to come at once, and in complete despair, he begins to struggle.

However, since everything – in this case, even misfortune – is our life, what is essential especially in these circumstances is to meet adversity with an attitude of equanimity.  If we fall into hell, then we need the resolve to see that hell is our home. When we are being boiled in the demon’s cauldron, that is where we need to do zazen. When we are pursued up a mountain of needles, we should be willing to climb that mountain hand over hand even at the risk of our life.  When we throw all our life energy into whatever we encounter, no demon can help but retreat.  What a way to live!

In the “Record of Linji” is the following passage:

“The Self far transcends all things.  Even if the whole universe tumbled down, I would have no misgivings. Though all the buddhas in the ten directions would appear before me, I would not rejoice.  Even though the three hells might appear before me, I would have no fear, since there is nothing I dislike.”

We view heaven or hell, enlightenment or delusion all with the same eye, or to put it more positively, we throw our whole lives into whatever we encounter, and that is the attitude of living out the buddhadharma.

When we have developed this kind of attitude toward our lives, the meaning of living day by day changes completely, along with our valuation of the events and people and circumstances that arise.  Since we no longer try to escape from delusion, misfortune, or adversity, nor chase after enlightenment and peace of mind, things like money and position lose their former value.  People’s reputations or their skills at maneuvering in society have no bearing on the way we see them as human beings, nor does a certificate of enlightenment make any impression on anyone.  What is primary and essential is that as we develop this vision, the meaning of encountering the things, situations, or people in our lives completely changes.

…when we live our lives to the fullest, there is no such thing as superior or inferior, good circumstance or bad, fortune or misfortune.  There is only the one taste of the great ocean of life.”

Why do we try to convince others to meditate and practice mindfulness?  I mean, in that way that we need them to practice, like our own life depends on it?

So in the first couple years of practice, our mind calms down from our own efforts for possibly the first time in our life.  Especially after we go on our first retreat and we see life like we’ve never seen it before.  We get a taste of real clarity, calm, peace, and joy.   There is a sense of freedom, like we are no longer being controlled by something.  There is a spaciousness in our heart and we are more open to others. We see the enormous potential of this method.  It’s something so straightforward anyone can do it.  We have a great desire for others to benefit the way we have and be happy.

On the other hand, those positive feelings only last for just a few hours after our weekly meditation session, or maybe a day or two, and then our negative habits return.  Back and forth we go. We quickly realize we could lose our practice, which we now understand is our lifeline to freedom.  We have seen a glimpse of a way of life free from being controlled by fear, anger, jealously, stress, anxiety, loneliness, etc.  The people in our life are skeptical of what we are doing, some might even be derisive.  Some others are pleasantly neutral (as long as we dont talk too much about it), and some even have a few encouraging words.  Whatever their reaction, they certainly aren’t supporting you as much as we want them to.  We are acutely aware that many of them are engaged in activities that make themselves miserable, and in turn make it difficult for us to practice.  They are engaged in endless distractions, anxiety, busyness, speaking with exaggerating, slander, insults, lies, pursuing wealth, fame, excitement, novelty, power, sex, drinking and drugs, engaged in self-destructive behavior, destroying the earth, etc.  We realize how easily we could go back to being like that, and that fear takes a hold of us.

We react to this fear, we get annoyed and angry at others because they aren’t practicing.  If they were, everything would be fine.  (Ha-ha) So we try to explain to them what we have discovered.  If they were practicing, we would be able to get along with them and be their friends so much easier!

But why are we getting annoyed and angry in the first place?  Think about it…I’ll give you a minute…….  Ok, now keep reading and see if our answers match…

From what I can tell there are two major things going on here.  The first is that those other people you are hanging out with are encouraging your old negative behaviors, simply by you being around them and observing those behaviors.  Those negative habits inside of you are being triggered and are threatening to take you over.  Those habits are so powerful and you feel like you have no control over them.  You react to that fear of losing control and project back on to other people: if they were practicing, then everything would be fine.  If they were practicing, you wouldn’t be encouraged into those potentially damaging behaviors. So you try to convert them.

What you’ve overlooked in the whole process is that it’s actually your own feelings you are reacting to, not their behavior.  You dont want to feel these negative habit energies, you are afraid you might hurt yourself or someone else if they come up(note: hooray that you know this now!), so you try to convince others to practice.  And since the Bodhisattva Vow says we should try to free all beings from suffering, we think we are practicing correctly by trying to get other people to practice.  But if you actually try to talk to someone about it, the other person will feel like you are trying to push something on to them.

The second thing that I’ve noticed that’s related to why we try to convert people comes at it from the other side.  Some of our relationships (friendships, partners, family members) affect us deeply, and some can be fairly damaging to us.  Some people we know may not treat us well.  But we allow them to keep up this behavior towards us.  We might have various excuses for it, such as obligation, or we don’t understand what a healthy relationship is, or we feel we can’t do better, or we are afraid of being lonely, or we don’t want to hurt the other person’s feelings by cutting things off with them.  We have these feelings when we have an inferiority complex; we lack a sense of self-worth.  We make these excuses when we haven’t yet generated enough compassion and loving-kindness for ourselves. We keep unconsciously asking ourselves “Why am I putting up with this?” but hating ourselves even more because we do put up with it.  Because we feel like we are stuck with the person, we try to change them.

I am intimately familiar with these patterns because that is exactly what I used to do and feel for the first few years of practice.  Not everyone goes through this, but a significant number of us do that I thought it might help to mention it.  From talking to a number of people about this, it seems this is a normal process to go through.  It’s not a big deal; no one will be scared for life because you tried to get them to meditate.

How do we practice with these things?  The best way to deal with it is to have a teacher/mentor/more experienced person who can guide you away from making the really big gaffes and smooth out some of the rough edges.  Of course, simply staying away from situations that overwhelm you or taking a break from difficult situations is one straightforward thing you can do.  But this presupposes you know when you are getting overwhelmed and you know when you are reacting instead of acting.  Practice of the Five Mindfulness Trainings is also helpful here, and by that I mean practicing them with mindfulness instead of using them as another way to beat yourself up.  And finally, if you find yourself talking a lot about Buddhism to someone, try getting feedback from the other person before you go into an hour-long discourse on the Dharma.  Are they interested?  Are they asking questions about it?  Which part of it are they interested in?

Things will get better with more practice.  As you calm down your negative habit energy and develop your compassion and loving-kindness, then being around people who are doing unwholesome things doesn’t bother you (of course, we all have limits).  For example, when you see someone drinking, it will not stir a desire in you to drink; or when you hear someone talking badly about someone else, you will not want to jump in and do it too; or when you hear about your neighbor getting that thing you’ve always wanted, you are happy instead of jealous.  You will also naturally gravitate away from negative people.  You are willing to risk loneliness for freedom.

And how about you, what do you think?  Do you have any experience with these situations?  Any examples? :)

“I had the opportunity to spend four weeks at Blue Cliff Monastery in New York State because of the generosity of the sangha. Because I had expressed my aspiration to live as a monastic more than a year ago, many people offered to pay for my trip, as they knew I couldn’t afford it myself. It is because of the generosity of the sangha that I have been able to practice at all—first the generosity of our sangha’s elders who brought the practices to Toronto and formed and facilitate our group, and second the generosity of those sponsoring me for retreats. I have attended five retreats, and only one of them was I able to pay for myself.

I really enjoyed my time at Blue Cliff. Once I got settled in it was obvious that this is where I want to be. I got to talk to most of the monks. I had a lot of doubts about my abilities to live as a monk and succeed in the practice, but every monk I talked had at one point had the same doubts.

Resting in the Present Moment and Listening Deeply to Myself

It took me about a week to re-learn how to rest at the monastery. I was really uncomfortable with the amount of free time I had. I decided not to bring my computer, firstly, so that I wouldn’t distract myself, and secondly, I didn’t have room to take it. It was a good thing. Every time there wasn’t anything to do I was uncomfortable. I sought out people or work to try to validate myself. Gradually I become comfortable being just with myself and letting go of the idea that I need to be useful in order to justify my existing. The first few days I played the piano a lot and tried to engage the nuns in conversations. By the last week I didn’t do either of those things.

There were two practices that I undertook to become comfortable with all the empty time I had. The first was finding the Present Moment Wonderful Moment book—the book with gathas for each activity of daily life—and memorizing some of them. At the time I didn’t have the confidence to memorize all of the ones applicable to me, but I did memorize the ones for meals, entering the meditation hall and cleaning meditation. Practicing these allowed me to hold the reigns of my mind after I had left the meditation hall and bring my attention back to myself, and then I didn’t have the opportunities to feel anxious and uncomfortable. Observing these gathas alive in the monastery gave me many insights into my mind. When I memorized the verses for each one I thought, How is saying this going to be of any use? But each time I practiced the verse and put my whole concentration into it I felt so much more in touch with what I was doing and I realized that these phrases were specifically constructed to train my mind toward clarity and joy.

In some places around the monastery, the gathas are written on little cards next to the object it goes with. There was one gatha, posted next to a mirror, that I had a strong aversion to practicing:

Awareness is a mirror

Reflecting the four elements

Beauty is a heart that generates love

And a mind that is open.

This gatha made me sad. I didn’t want to look at myself in the mirror—I wanted to run away. But this gatha was posted in the washroom nearest the piano, so I ended up seeing it very often. It was difficult to practice, but when I turned to confront what the gatha was telling me, I was grateful that it showed me clearly the path out of inferiority complexes and insecurity, because each line, I had to accept, was true. First, “Awareness is mirror/ Reflecting the four elements,” instead of seeing the face full of cowardliness, disappointment and shame that I am used to, this line challenges me to see that all those things are a formation of all the same elements that are outside me, that I have no fixed and separate identity to run away from. And the next pair, “Beauty is a heart that generates love/ And a mind that is open,” once I am no longer afraid to see myself from the first two lines, shows me the path to my good qualities. Yes, I accept that beauty is measured by a heart that generates love, and I couldn’t deny that my heart has and does generate love, and that that is what I want most to do with my heart. Yes, I accept that an open mind is also a measure of beauty, and I couldn’t deny that my mind has been and can be open. And that these two qualities are those with appreciate in others—how can I continue to deny the beauty inside me while valuing it in others so much? I am still practicing this one. Yesterday at work a friend told me he had started sessions with a therapist and that his therapist has reminded him of many positive qualities that he doesn’t want to believe in himself. I shared him this verse and shared that it is difficult for me too. I hope to be able to share with him further so we can support each other at work.

The second practice that helped me to feel comfortable with myself during my free time was from a DVD talk where Thay teaches about getting in touch with yourself as a five-year-old child. From then on when I had free time I tried to invite my young self to everything I did, and I invited him to tell me things. When I did this he immediately told me what was in his heart. He said he wanted to play with his dad—all the things I couldn’t do with him when I was five because dad was always angry and scary. Another time he told me that he’s not a baby, that he’s perfectly able and doesn’t need to act helpless or immature anymore—that I should have confidence in him. I also learned that, even since we weren’t playing father-son games, he loved anything we did together—looking at insects, the brook, trees, cleaning. I realized that all the years my dad ignored me because of his own discomfort and insecurity was the root of my feeling I’m not meant to be anywhere and that I have no use to people. At the time I didn’t feel sad about these things, but during my last week a six-year-old boy came with his father to stay, and I couldn’t bear to be with him—I was so sad. But on the fourth or fifth day he was there that I could talk and play with him and we had a lot of fun—he taught me how to use my surroundings and my imagination to make a wonderful and engaging world of miracles.

Brotherhood

I was lucky to have gone to the monastery at the time that I did. The same day I arrived another man a few years younger arrived and he eventually decided to stay as a long term practitioner. There already was a long term lay man just one year older than me, and a few days later another man in his thirties came. That meant that the men’s lay dorm was full—and full of younger practitioners. The monks commented on the youthful energy we brought the monastery, and that was something that was lacking. We all lived together in the basement of the little hut made for Thay when he visits. We all got along, and no one needed to use earplugs at night. It was very brotherly—it was exactly what I needed to help me see through the delusion of my inferiority complex. All four of us shared often in during Dharma sharing sessions about our appreciation for each other and the time we enjoy living together, and many of the other practitioners were surprised and delighted to hear how much four young men could get along living together. During my third week there, my paranoia crept back into my thoughts. I started thinking that the others didn’t like me, that they were leaving me out of things, but I caught myself thinking this, and I had to accept that it wasn’t true. The day before I left one of my roommates shared to the group how sad he was that I was leaving. I had never thought my presence would have such an effect on people.

I asked some monks about the practice, particularly about living as a monastic, inferiority complexes, and about sexual energy. Some of the answers I got about practicing with sexual energy were: eat less and exercise more to redirect the energy, go where the brothers are when you have sexual energy and engage yourself in whatever they’re doing. And one monk of few words said, “I enjoy watching my mind fall in love with people and many other things, and I enjoy watching my mind fall out of love with those things too.” While talking to this same monk about my self-doubt, I told him that I believed that people generally don’t want me around and that I have nothing to offer to others, and, I added, that I think this belief may not be true. His only response was, “So you have a perception and you think it might be wrong.” Overcoming this wrong perception I had of myself was a goal I’d made before I arrived, and in sharings I let everyone know about my difficulties right from the beginning. Thus, I benefitted from their support immediately. For the most part, I just had to accept that my perception was wrong, and rest and enjoy living as a family with these brothers.

Mindfulness Trainings

While I was there, I also was fascinated by the many mindfulness trainings the monastics practice—there are 250 for monks and 348 for nuns. At first I made light of these precepts. Lay people aren’t asked to practice them, and I was probably the only lay person who knew them. But the rules fascinated me, even though I thought they were something that was enforced on the monastics to keep order. I thought, These rules are fine, but they don’t have anything to do with me and my life. But no one was asking me to regard these rules, so why was I obsessing over them at all?

And just near the end of my stay I realized what it was. These precepts were not enforced on the monastics—it wasn’t case of: If you want to practice with us you have to following hundreds of rules, it was: I want to live by these mindfulness trainings because they reveal to me my true self and that is why I want to live in this community. Each precept, on the surface, looked to me like an injunction on some harmless behaviour, but when I looked deeper, I realized that the monastics at the monastery who I respected the most were the ones who lived these trainings deeply, and that if I lived this way too, I would respect myself. I would reveal my true, compassionate, insightful self. Once I realized this, I felt a beautiful energy well up inside me anytime I thought of a precept. The monastic code was not a rulebook of good and bad, but a blueprint of an ideal lifestyle, a life where malice, greed, arrogance and fears are tamed and allow beauty, kindness and peace to shine.

I was able to see the true motive for these rules because of my practice of the gatha for entering the meditation hall:

Entering the meditation hall

I clearly see my true self.

As I sit down

I let go of all disturbances.

When I practiced this gatha I asked, what is my true self that I am supposed to see clearly? I kept practicing it and soon the answer came. My true self was when I let go of all disturbances, when I was at peace and open. This gatha was a great joy for the entire time I was there. Each time I approached the meditation hall I knew that I may have forgotten my true self in some activity, but that this was a sacred chamber, and if I made sure to respect it, that respect would allow my true self to reveal itself and flourish. If I disrespected the hall, then my true self was obscured—obscured by disrespect, and other mental states unworthy of my deepest self.

And at that moment I felt young again, like I was when I first started to find answers to my spiritual questions. When I first read the Five and Fourteen Mindfulness Trainings I fell in love with them, and now I knew that that love was because these trainings opened the path to the discovery of my true self. I am my decisions. These trainings encourage me to make those decisions from a place of calmness, evenness and kindness instead of my habit energies. And then I realized why the nuns had chosen to have more precepts than the monks: they knew that each training makes them more beautiful—makes their heart generate love and their mind open. Now I want more mindfulness trainings! I am very eager to study practice them. The depths of my consciousness await, like a great ocean and I am looking down into it trying to see the miracles hidden at the bottom.

Guided Meditation

Another turning point in my practice was the practice of guided meditation. At the monastery they only had guided meditations maybe once a week, and I was used to guided meditations more frequently. For a long time I was doubtful of the effectiveness of guided meditations because I found it stressful to focus on the lines during the meditation, so usually during the guided meditations I didn’t pay much attention to the words being said but focus on following my breath. A few years ago I did learn that even though I had, in my mind, been “ignoring” the guided meditations, the guided meditations had penetrated me deeply, because when I friend shared her suffering with me, I offered her one of the guided meditations we use, and led her in it, and it was exactly what she need to regain herself. But I didn’t really understand how this happened and how to allow the same thing to myself! And here my practice of the meal gathas helped me. After the Five Contemplations for each mouthful there are other gathas:

With the first mouthful, I practice the love that brings joy.

With the second mouthful, I practice the love that relieves suffering.

With the third mouthful, I practice the joy of being alive.

With the fourth mouthful, I practice equal love for all beings.

Before when I tried to practice these verses it was very stressful. How was I to love and bring joy AND chew my food? It is too much! But at some point I figured out something that worked very well and brought me endless joy and nourishment to my eating. Before I put the food in my mouth, I recited the gatha, and then while I chewed I concentrated entirely on the chewing. I trusted that bringing the thought of love and joy was enough for my mind, and that I didn’t have to focus on it intently. I found that all I had to do was suggest something positive and pleasant to my mind, and that I didn’t need to do any more work. Then I was free to put my concentration in the present moment—and the more focused I was the more joyful and liberating the experience was.

For the first half of my stay, silent sitting meditation was very difficult for me. I couldn’t rest. I was always agitated, fidgety and I couldn’t follow my breath for longer that one breath. One day I decided to try sitting on my own, and I had the idea of giving myself a guided meditation. I found a copy of the Blooming of a Lotus, and my store consciousness seemed to have already decided which meditation to us. It picked the one titled Touching, Healing that goes:

In touch with the air, I breathe in.

Smiling with the air, I breathe out.

In touch with pure mountain air, I breathe in.

Smiling with the pure mountain air, I breathe out.

In touch with pure countryside air, I breathe in.

Smiling with the countryside air, I breathe out.

In touch with cool water, I breathe in.

Smiling with the cool water, I breathe out.

Etc.

I gently read each verse to myself, and went back to my breath without trying to remember the image, without forcing myself to visualize the mountain air or the countryside or the sensation of cool water. Just mentioning these things was enough, and with the concentration on my breath, my mind became relaxed and still quite quickly, and my body became at peace. After this mediation I felt more present and refreshed than I could remember ever being. I had learned a lot about how my mind worked, how such subtle references can have such a positive effect, how supple and susceptible my mind was. I felt very grateful that this book of guided mediation had been compiled, and I marveled at how many generations of meditators it must have taken to develop these practices that so specifically give what my mind needs, how much experience in understanding the mind must have gone into it. There was an ancestor altar in the mediation hall which I had looked at from time to time, but didn’t know what the meaning of it was. I had asked about its significance but I wasn’t satisfied with the answer. I didn’t know who any of the people pictured on it were. But after this mediation I knew who they were on the altar. They were people like me, who had the same existential questions about themselves and their way in the world, and they had devoted their lives to finding answers and tools to help all future question seekers. At that moment I knew that my life was something beyond my body, my thoughts, my feelings, and my lifespan, and I bowed to the ancestors to thank them for the gift they had given me, for they had given me the ability to tame my own mind and reveal my true self.

I was so encouraged by this discovery that I tried doing a different guided meditation the next day. But that guided meditation didn’t have the same positive results. The next day I tried again, and returned to the same meditation, and again I felt totally present and refreshed. And then on other times, I tried guided meditations, and always I seemed to want that one meditation. I was surprised by this. The meditation seems so simple, so easy, and not very profound. But it is clearly exactly what I need to be in touch with the joy and nourishment that is found in the present moment.

Going Home: Jesus and Buddha as Brothers

Because of the success I had with gathas and guided meditation, on my way home I decided to try something, something that I could use on my travel to help keep the energy of the monastery alive in me. I had already memorized several gathas, and these were things that I knew were always available to me. I wanted to try memorize a simple guided meditation that I could always come back to while on my trip, since I would be doing a lot of nothing and waiting, and waiting is very exhausting. Kenesha had called the nuns and bought some books over the phone, and so I carried them back with me to Toronto. Because of that, I had some books with me. One of them was Our Appointment with Live: Discourses on Living in the Present Moment. This book has a very famous gatha, and I decided to memorize it.

Do not pursue the past.

Do not lose yourself in the future.

The past no longer is.

The future has not yet come.

Looking deeply at life as it is

In the very here and now,

The practitioner dwells

In stability and freedom.

We must be diligent today:

To wait until tomorrow is too late.

Death comes unexpectedly.

How can we bargain with it?

The sage calls a person

Who dwells in mindfulness

Night and day

“One who knows

The better way to live alone.”

It took me maybe ten minutes to memorize this verse, and then I had it with me everywhere I went—I didn’t have to unpack my bag to recite it, I didn’t need to be in a meditation hall or in a monastery. It is just like one of my favourite passages from the Bible:

For this commandment which I command you this day, it is not hidden from you, neither is it far off.
It is not in heaven, that you should say, Who shall go up for us to heaven, and bring it to us, that we may hear it, and do it?
Neither is it beyond the sea, that you should say, Who shall go over the sea for us, and bring it to us, that we may hear it, and do it?
But the word is very near to you, in your mouth, and in your heart, that you may do it.

Because the Buddha’s teaching on dwelling happily in the present moment was “very near to me, in my mouth and in my heart” I could do it at anytime. And I called upon it maybe a dozen times on my trip back. Each time, I allowed it to focus my mind, to touch my aspiration to be in touch with myself and the world around me, and I listened to its imperative to be diligent today and dwell in mindfulness night and day. Now I recite this gatha at the beginning of my sitting meditation each day, and while I am at work. And each time to a greater or lesser degree it brings me back to the present moment.

Scott”

http://happythings.tumblr.com/

What might you find there?  Pictures of happy things, like people and creativity:

Inspiring quotes & loving speech:

Still life:

And some funnies:

Do you have any joyful or humorous sites to recommend?